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I think we have all been in homes where there is "a place for everything and everything is neatly in its place". For the longest time I tried to live that way too. But over the course of time my eight kids have literally brought me to my knees. They have shattered every illusion that I ever had about order and structure. And to be honest, it hasn't been all bad. I am more at peace with my world than I used to be. My friends are amazed at the way I am able to quietly accept the chaos that continually swirls around me. They describe me as patient and unflappable. But my wife knows better. She has witnessed the gradual transformation from cynicism and frustration to reluctant resignation.

She will also tell you that I didn't go down without a fight. Not very many years ago I was still clinging desperately to the fallacious notion that it was not too late to live a respectable life - that I could somehow become what I knew in my heart I was not - organized and in control. My wife and I went out and found a beautiful almost-new home with brilliant oak floors and woodwork to match. It had a set of gorgeous crystal chandaliers in the entry and formal dining room. Built-in oak bookcases framed a cozy fireplace in the family room.

With visions of "Leave it to Beaver" dancing in our heads, we bought the place and moved our family in. For two years I fought bitterly to hold onto that vision - even as it crumbled around me. I still remember the day of ultimate revelation - when it became suddenly clear to me that we did not belong in a house like that. One of my young sons approached me carrying a sizable piece of oak trim and commented off-handedly "Dad, this came off." I looked at the trim and then gazed sadly around the room - noting the stains on the carpet, the damaged mini-blinds, and what was left of the hardwood floor. Then I turned to my wife and said, "You know, honey, we really don't belong here do we?" After two short years, the once gleaming home required a complete rehabilitation. I quietly went out and began shopping for a different house.

I am much more comfortable today. Our "new" house is a 1900 vintage old fashioned work horse, complete with indestructible walls (though my kids are giving them a thorough testing). And while I am impressed with its durability, I am still not completely satisfied. In fact I have spent a good part of the last fourteen years perfecting the plans for my dream home. You must understand at the outset that this is all top secret information. If my spouse were to find out about these plans it could mean big trouble for me. My strategy is to warm her up gradually to the idea.

So, o.k., here are the latest specs on my dream house:

It starts with a concrete foundation (4 feet thick), reinforced interior and exterior concrete walls (four feet thick), and a concrete roof (also four feet thick). The floors of each room will be gently sloped toward the center of the room where an oversized drain will be installed. To add visual appeal to the structure, I will make ample use of Astroturf, plexiglass, stainless steel, and formica - lots of formica.

Some people like central vacuum systems - however, this house calls for something far more imaginative. I envision a 2,000 GPM centralized high-pressure hose system.

At the end of each day it will be a simple matter of hooking up the high pressure sprayer and hosing the place down. Aluminum dishes will remain permanently fastened to the concrete dining table and will be cleaned via an overhead jet sprayer. And of course all the waste-water will funnel nicely down the central drain system.

The master suite will be constructed of the same four-foot thick concrete, however it will also be entirely encased in half-inch steel plating. It will be completely soundproof and virtually impenetrable from the rest of the house. It will be fully equipped with a digital (and waterproof) sound system, and a state-of-the-art alarm system. The master-bath complex will include his and her jacuzzi tubs and an olympic sized swimming pool. Adjacent to the pool will be a 20,000 square foot gymnasium / fun-plex. Of course all of this will be off limits to the kids who will be spending most of their time in their own smaller play-room (undoubtedly devising complex strategies to disable the sophisticated alarm system and penetrate the master fortress).

I certainly hope that my wife will be as enamored with the idea as I am. After investing so much time and effort in the design process I am convinced that any lesser housing system will prove disappointing. I haven't quite figured out how how or when to approach her on it - but I'm working on it. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

- Christopher Dunn

17 Phrases you never want to hear when a child is near your work station.

Index: Tales From the Home Office

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